Imagine if the British government hired your local gossip, gave them a badge, and told them to root out potential terrorists. That’s essentially the Prevent programme: a glorious mashup of clueless overreach and playground-level tattling, operating under the delusion that it’s saving the nation. It’s where 8-year-olds with overactive imaginations are seen as public enemies, and teachers moonlight as wannabe FBI agents, all while managing to alienate entire communities.

Prevent’s genius lies in its razor-sharp focus on the least likely places to find extremism. Who better to keep under surveillance than a child who still thinks the moon is made of cheese? Forget James Bond. Enter Jamal, aged 4, who just made a rocket out of Play-Doh (CLEARLY a missile prototype). Meanwhile, the programme’s administrators are likely high-fiving each other for “thwarting another threat.”

The real stars of Prevent are the teachers, who swap marking homework for assessing “potential threats,” a.k.a. any kid with an opinion. Picture Mr. Davies, the PE teacher with dreams of being an action hero, nervously whispering into his phone: “Yes, urgent—Year 7 Abdul just said *‘Free Palestine’* at lunch. I think it’s code for an uprising.” Never mind that Abdul was just talking about his cousin’s art project. This is counter-terrorism, Prevent-style.

It’s not just the absurdity of their vigilance; it’s the terminology they cling to. “Islamist” is the label of choice for referrals, but no one can really define what it means. To Prevent, it’s simple: if you’re a Muslim child with an opinion, congratulations—you’ve unlocked the ‘suspicious’ badge. Parents be warned: if your kid doodles a crescent moon or mispronounces “cucumber” as “Kalashnikov,” expect a visit from Carol at the council, clipboard in hand and a grave expression plastered across her face.

The programme fancies itself as a modern-day Stasi, but instead of cool spy gear and dramatic flair, it’s run by people who’ve likely just discovered the “incognito” tab on their browsers. They spend their time meticulously documenting incidents like 12-year-old Sara drawing a rocket ship (obviously a weapon of mass destruction). But ask them for actual results, like evidence of preventing real threats, and the room falls awkwardly silent, except for someone murmuring, “National security, obviously.”

The absurdity doesn’t stop there. Prevent’s dedication to stamping out pro-Palestinian activism takes it to surreal heights. Waving a Palestinian flag? Referral. Posting #FreePalestine on social media? Referral. Wearing a keffiyeh scarf? Oh, you’re practically bin Laden. The people making these calls are likely the same folks Googling, “What is Palestine?” and deciding, “Sounds dangerous—better refer them.”

While they’re busy panicking over kids saying words like “Gaza,” they’ve completely missed actual threats. You know, like the alarming rise in right-wing extremism or your uncle Barry stockpiling conspiracy theories on Telegram. But why focus on real dangers when you can turn your local nursery into a surveillance hotspot?

At its core, Prevent isn’t about preventing anything; it’s about creating paperwork. The programme’s main accomplishment is alienating entire communities while giving everyone else something to laugh at. If it had a motto, it would be something like: “Making Britain safer by making Muslims paranoid.” And if it were a movie, it’d be a slapstick comedy where everyone trips over their own shoelaces while pretending to be serious. Think Johnny English, but less competent.

The sharp rise in Prevent referrals after October 7, 2023, tells you everything you need to know. This programme isn’t about safety, it’s about performative paranoia. It’s time to bin the whole thing and let teachers get back to teaching instead of playing amateur spies. Better yet, maybe someone could channel all this misdirected energy into tackling real issues, like properly funding education or learning the difference between political dissent and terrorism.

Prevent’s lasting legacy? A tragicomic reminder that, when it comes to counter-terrorism, the Government can’t even prevent itself from looking ridiculous.